Little Goebbels and his canary.

Collectible figurines for the Aryan inside all of us.

Our species really hit the big time when we came up with the “tool.” Now, being a tool usually means you are still in sound possession of your virginity and you’ve taken an unhealthy interest in helping your mom grow her Hummel collection.

Only construction workers use the old definition for “tool” now. The rest of us are starting to wonder if there’s such a thing as a screwdriver app.

So these tools we speak of: they helped take man out of the swamp. They have a special place in our heart. They enabled us to do things like maximize the t-shirt-sewing efficiency of 8 year-old Indonesian children and open beer bottles with ease.

The new tool, of course, is the “device.” For people who don’t like to get their hands dirty, having something like a smartphone or tablet is about equivalent to finding a life partner. For businesses, devices keep the employees leashed and tethered, not to mention increasing their efficiency in inverse proportion to their general sense of self-respect.

[I’m doing everything I can, at this point, to keep from flying off into a total rant, btw. Trying to sarcastically discuss devices is consuming every ounce of The Brow’s patience and I’m doing my best to keep Him at bay. Partly, The Brow wishes more than anything that this world of devices would vanish forever. Other times, The Brow finds his smartphone a useful expedient for always looking cool and busy, especially when waiting for friends to show up at a bar. He sends text messages and doesn’t risk being branded a social dead-end by every girl there. Also, The Brow’s recent acquisition of an iPad has caused him to wonder why the act of swiping has only now become so awesome. He is swiping in his sleep. And loving every minute of it.]

See, the device, now, has transcended function. This is a real mindfuck when you think about it.

[I know, The Brow tried to restrain himself within the previous bracketed section, but he seems now to have bled into the general narrative. Hence the use of the word mindfuck. It’s hard. Let’s shift out of the brackets and see if the original author can maintain careful, even-handed ironic rhetoric.]

It’s not as if most people have even half an idea what their device is actually “for.” [Oh God. The Brow wins. From here on out, it’s him. Fuck the brackets].

Sure, folks use a few apps that are most convenient. But now, having one of these devices is about the same thing as having cufflinks in the 50s or having an 8-ball of cocaine in the 80s. It’s not about what the thing does. It’s about what the thing tells others about who you are.

The other day, I actually had someone say this about my iPad: “Look, whether you need it or not, showing up at the sales pitch and whipping out that iPad means something to these people. So just pretend to use it.”

Indiana Jones would've hated this game.

I mean, fuck, The Brow feels like he should, at this point, say something profound and earth-shattering. But, lacking the ability to do so, he’s just simply going to say: “Fuck these devices sometimes, ya know? Where my snakes n ladders at?”

Board game shout-out.

Unibrow, over ‘n’ out.

2 responses »

  1. mooselicker says:

    Calling yourself The Brow makes me imagine all of what you say in the voice of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and I like that.

    If someone has an iPad or some sort of a fancy phone I never get impressed. It feels to me like they’re trying too hard to be cool. I like to think that I will be the same person no matter where I am. I could be stripped of all my possessions and dropped into a dessert and I’d be the same cool person I am now. I’m not making any sense. What I’m saying is I agree.

You have nothing at stake here. Why not insult me?

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