The guy on the left spends the whole movie refusing to be heard. It's exhausting.

Apparently, silent movies were all the rage once. Then we did things like invent talkies, satellites, computers and the internet. We grew so sick of these things that we again wondered whether it wasn’t best just to go back to silent movies. I think there’s something subconscious at play here. It’s the same thing that happens when I go out into pristine Nature and, after a while, just start wishing that that waterfall would shut the fuck up.

British movies besides the ones directed by Guy Ritchie have been virtually silent for years. It’s like they’re almost embarrassed to be talking in front of the camera. I would be too if I came from a place that decided it was okay to let Cadbury’s ruin its flavor by catering to the global market.

The best thing about watching a silent movie is that you get to brush up on your lip-reading skills. I never knew how easy lip-reading was until recently, when I went to see the fake silent movie The Artist. It’s really easy to tell what the characters are saying.

The only other time I feel proud of my lip-reading skills is when I watch NFL football. It’s really easy to tell when a coach says “Fuck you” or “That’s a crock of fuck-shit” to a referee. I think coaches do that on purpose because it motivates the players.

“Whoa. Coach just dropped the f nugget.”

“Yeah, he really wants us to win this one.”

Speaking of football, how many people keep hoping Tim Tebow gets his head torn off? I think there were about 15 uncalled facemasks on him these past two playoff games.

With each intentional facemask, he only seems to grow stronger and more resolute. He truly is like Jesus. That’s what Jesus did each time the Pharisees tried to facemask him.

He just took it right to them.

The only difference between Jesus and Tim Tebow is that Tim Tebow has been a success almost his whole life. Jesus was, by all accounts, a failed carpenter and fisherman who decided to give this “savior” thing a try.

He really wasn’t doing much else with his time, from what I can tell.

Mel Gibson made this movie so that he could one day afford his divorce.

What I’d really like to see is a Jesus silent movie. We all know the lines, so that would make it a lot of fun.

“Take eat, this is my body.”

“Why have you forsaken me?”

These are just two of Jesus’ blockbuster lines. That first line is perhaps one of the sexiest pieces of dialogue in the whole Bible.

Take, eat, this is my body?

Shit. I’m just saying. If I said that, people wouldn’t think I was trying to make a connection between my godliness and their eternal salvation. They’d start to worry about my pants situation.

I think someone should re-make The Passion of the Christ as a silent movie. I mean, it’s basically a silent movie anyway.

In fact, with pure silence, the drama of what happens on-screen would be heightened. It would leave you with enough mental energy to really focus on how Jesus’ treatment up to and during the crucifixion was so much more brutal than any execution experienced by any man ever since the beginning of Time.

Which is to say, the thing about silent movies is that, like in real life, being silent is often the most profound thing you can do. When people are willing to get into a verbal argument with me, I get excited and motivated. I take out my swashbuckling gear.

But if someone refuses to respond to me and just stares at me in silence, it makes me want to facemask them. I don’t know why silence is such a weapon. It’s infuriating.

The Brow thinks he knows why silence is so threatening: Because silence is pre-verbal. Pre-linguistic.

Before we spoke to each other, you know how we expressed disappointment?

Thump stick.

So watch out for those silent movies. It may seem like fun now, but there’s a reason we invented talking TV.

If it’s talking, at least you know where it’s coming from.

2 responses »

  1. mooselicker says:

    Very funny post!

    “The only difference between Jesus and Tim Tebow is that Tim Tebow has been a success almost his whole life. Jesus was, by all accounts, a failed carpenter and fisherman who decided to give this “savior” thing a try.”

    That has to be my favorite part. He was really only big for what, 3 years? That’s not even the span of the career of the Sex Pistols. At least Sid managed to put out an awful solo album after they broke up.

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