Your Soul Has Been Warned.

What you don’t know is that you are already madly, deeply in love with Zooey Deschanel’s Eyes. Man or woman, it doesn’t matter. Her eyes are the reason you’re getting out of bed in the morning. Just face it.

Each time Zooey Deschanel blinks, half the people in the world let out a collective gasp. What if the Eyes stay closed forever?

A horrible thought.

When Zooey Deschanel sleeps, she wears a custom sleep mask that has an exact image of her open Eyes embroidered upon it, just so half the people in the world don’t stay up all night from worry.

If Zooey Deschanel went into a coma, well, I don’t need to tell you what would happen to half the people in the world then, do I? Suffice it to say, I would be the first one at the hospital with broken matchsticks begging the doctors to let us prop her eyelids open.

There is an infinity of reasons for why Zooey Deschanel’s Eyes are an improvement upon the fabric of existence. We will try to explain some of them here, just so you can have something to say to your significant other when they start to realize your heart now beats for another.

Is it that rare shade of blue that makes them better than an arc of light across the Milky Way?

Is it the way they laugh sometimes, and toss you a knowing wink, which essentially shatters your entire conception of reality?

Perhaps it’s their warm innocence.

Something about Zooey Deschanel’s Eyes reminds you of your childhood. Admit it.

No, not that awful childhood you actually had. The perfectly happy childhood you always imagine you’d had.

If you went out for a coffee with Zooey Deschanel’s Eyes, that coffee you had would be the best tasting coffee of your life. When Zooey Deschanel’s Eyes walk past the whole bean coffee display stand at your local Starbucks, you can see all the bags start to shake. That’s because all the beans inside the bags are giggling with delight.

Sometimes, when you’re deep in conversation with Zooey’s Eyes, you forget that humans ever built things, invented things, or believed in things.

All you know is that Zooey Deschanel’s Eyes are the Alpha and the Omega of Happiness.

The new fuel for our Space Program.

You come to realize that the entire universe, in fact, is just a soft white blanket adorned with Zooey Deschanel’s Eyes.

Is that a tree you see?

Nope. It’s a leaf-like cluster of Zooey Deschanel’s Eyes adorning a trunk-like cluster of Zooey Deschanel’s Eyes.

Is that a cloud over there?

Wrong again. It’s the whites of Zooey Deschanel’s Eyes.

What about that horizon in the distance?

It’s not a horizon at all. It’s merely the outline of Zooey Deschanel’s Eyes.

In fact, not only is the entire seen world just an interpretation of Zooey’s Eyes, the sounds, too, are the sounds of Zooey’s Eyes blinking at different speeds.

A baby’s laughter?

Zooey’s Eyes in half-time.

An engine starting?

Zooey’s Eyes. Double time.

Is that a white heron I hear taking off in flight?

Nope. Zooey’s Eyes. Piano forte, swing tempo.

In a world made of Zooey Deschanel’s eyes, you can laugh again without remembering there were times when you couldn’t laugh at life.

You’ll come to know, with a sense of eternal peace and joy, that the things we can never describe and the things we can never comprehend are all just smiling versions of one true thing.

You guessed it again:

Zooey Deschanel’s Eyes.

2 responses »

  1. mooselicker says:

    Her eyes are great aren’t they? I don’t like her lanky wounded dinosaur walk. I’ve written about her before. I only want to have sex with her because I could see her being totally repulsed by the sight of me.

    I heard that if you look into her blue eyes for long enough you drown.

You have nothing at stake here. Why not insult me?

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