Look at these ridiculous dragon-dancing shenanigans.

It used to be, not too long ago, that we didn’t have to care about Chinese New Year.

Unless you lived in San Franciso or Vancouver, you didn’t even know it was going on.

Now, it’s everywhere.

I suppose it’s probably got a lot to do with the fact that the Chinese give their years cool names. Who wouldn’t want to get in on that action?

This year is going to be the year of the Dragon. That’s right. The fire-breathing dragon.

In case you were confused, the Chinese have big plans. They’re a hefty and mighty civilization and, given enough time and latitude, they are going to unleash dragons in pretty much every direction. I’m sure, right now, there is a team of Chinese geneticists going all Jurassic Park on a couple iguana embryos. Oh yes. The dragon is coming back. And he’s pissed.

Speaking of embryos, I read last week that because the dragon is the king of the Chinese zodiac, some Chinese couples froze embryos last year in anticipation of having them fertilized during this year. If you’re born in the year of the dragon, it’s expected that you will kick some serious ass.

Unless you’re a girl or a rural peasant. Then your early death will probably be a welcome relief to all those around you.

Now, not every year in the Chinese zodiac rotation is all that special. There is also the year of the Rat, Monkey, Horse, Pig, Sheep, Ox, Snake, Rabbit, Dog, Rooster and Tiger.

Okay, I’d want to be born in the year of the Tiger. But, seriously, I’m sure no one appreciates being a Rat.

I think that America, to counteract this clearly superior New Year marketing system, should develop its own twelve-year rotation. And, as with all things American, we will do it bigger, better and badasser.

So here are my suggestions:

The Year of the Camaro: honest, hardworking, understated except in urgent situations, he who is born in the year of the Camaro is generally thought of by his peers to have the most complete set of testicles in the vicinity.

The Year of the F-16: forward-thinking, inspirational, and fast as lightning, he who is born in the year of the F-16 strikes first and is fearless. A born leader.

The Year of the Mustang: besides having a remarkable mane of hair and an unquenchable desire to run through shallow creeks and rivers, the Mustang is free and cannot be tamed. Always innovative and resistant to constraints, the Mustang is your best friend, or your worst enemy.

The Year of the Caterpillar: not to be confused with that lazy, crap-type worm that turns into a butterfly, this Caterpillar moves earth and mountain with its might. Brawny, rugged and powerful, put the weight of the world on the Caterpillar’s shoulders: he can handle it.

The Year of the Combine: in times of despair or famine, look to the combine. Responsible, patient and tolerant, he will be your source of support when all others fail you. Also, he is a great help when you’re trying to dispose of the bodies of your enemies.

The Year of the Chessie: The Chessie, or Chesapeake Bay Retriever, is an American classic. Loyal, gentle and always obedient to its Master, the Chessie will help you find your way when no one else can.

The Year of the Bald Eagle: C’mon, buddy. The Bald Eagle is our Dragon. You KNOW you want to be born in the year of the Bald Eagle.

The Year of the Mack Truck: Durable, Untiring, Generally Badass, the Mack Truck is in it for the long haul. He patiently carries the wellbeing of everyone around him on his back and looks good doing it.

The Year of the Harley Davidson: Sure, he can be loud and chromed-out. But the Harley Davidson is an original to the core. He doesn’t apologize for who he is, what he does, or who he screws.

The Year of the Chad: The Hanging Chad may not have the elegance of the Bald Eagle, or the coolness of the Harley Davidson, but every yin needs its yang. The Chad works behind the scenes, willing to do the dirty work so that all the other Zodiacs can show off. He is sneaky, skirting the line between ethics and legality, willing to subvert democracy sometimes in the name of power. In other words: he is every bit as American as anything else on this list.

The Year of the Predator Drone: You will not see him coming until it’s too late. He has no feelings, no fear, no identity. He is the future and he’s ALL American.

The Year of the Moon: This is just to remind all you other New-Year-having clowns that we were there first. The moon is ours.

And we’re going to go to the next big place first. So fall in line and stop trying to make us care about your new years that happen in February.

You have nothing at stake here. Why not insult me?

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