As much as I don’t want to actually spend time thinking about this topic, I feel like I have to. Today is officially Foreskin Memorial Day in America.

At least, it is now.

Pour one out for all my dead little foreskin homies.

I recently learned that most American ladies have very little experience with an intact penis. America, you see, has a foreskin vendetta. Probably something to do with the Redcoats.

A friend of mine who is a girl with limited penis experience, thought we were basically the only country (besides Israel) that was working towards total foreskin eradication. Her friends, only one of whom is a total slut, apparently believe this to be true as well. You’d think the slut knew more than the rest of them. But the time between her first sighting of a penis and when it starts inspecting the inside of her vagina is so brief that she rarely even gets a full look.

According to the Oracle (Wikipedia), global incidence of circumcision is about 30%. It’s mostly North Africans, Muslims, Southeast Asians and North Americans who are doing all the snipping. Everyone thinks it’s a hygiene thing. But apparently it’s more of a religious/tribal thing (what isn’t, right?).

Here’s how Wikipedia breaks it down:

“The origination of male circumcision is not known with certainty. It has been variously proposed that it began as a religious sacrifice, as a rite of passage marking a boy’s entrance into adulthood, as a form of sympathetic magic to ensure virility or fertility, as a means of enhancing sexual pleasure, as an aid to hygiene where regular bathing was impractical, as a means of marking those of higher social status, as a means of humiliating enemies and slaves by symbolic castration, as a means of differentiating a circumcising group from their non-circumcising neighbors, as a means of discouraging masturbation or other socially proscribed sexual behaviors, as a means of removing “excess” pleasure, as a means of increasing a man’s attractiveness to women, as a demonstration of one’s ability to endure pain, or as a male counterpart to menstruation or the breaking of the hymen, or to copy the rare natural occurrence of a missing foreskin of an important leader, and as a display of disgust of the smegma produced by the foreskin. It has been suggested that the custom of circumcision gave advantages to tribes that practiced it and thus led to its spread.”

Based on this article, and my own ability to extrapolate very reasonable and educated-sounding assumptions that can pass for Truth, I’m going to take a stab at the two main reasons American penises are under attack.*

First, I think men secretly know that the penis is going to ruin their life. A lot of the time, we really love our penis and even call it our best friend. Before the invention of the X-Box, it was basically our most gratifying form of entertainment.

We’ve all heard the expression: “Oh, he’s in trouble because he let the little head do the thinking.” Well, what if you gave that little head a crew cut and took away his hiding place? I bet he’d fall in line right-quick.

Secondly, I think American doctors are all about circumcision because it’s a guaranteed procedure. Steady cash flow, that’s what a lot of doctors are all about. Sure, there’s a positive hygiene element to it. And don’t get me wrong. Without doctors I wouldn’t have even made my debut on this planet. So I’m not anti-doctor.

I’m just saying that I look at my penis some days and I can tell what he’s thinking.

He’s missing his hat.

When it’s cold, he looks up at me bitterly as I adjust my beanie.

When he’s feeling a bit low I bet all he wants is some private time. But he’s got no place to call his own, where he can withdraw from the world and just “be”. Where he can paint without fear of judgment. Maybe pick up the guitar and strum a few chords. Maybe fix the place up a little with a shag carpet and a bean bag chair.

Perhaps put a lava lamp in the corner. Yeah. My penis would be a stoner.

I’m just saying: everyone complains that there are a lot of insecure, angry dicks out there in the world. So here’s my suggestion: stop attacking their penises.

Nature designed the penis and it’s probably fine the way it is.

Seriously. Put down the knife.


* by the way, Muslims actually account for 63% of global circumcisions — give it up for a little cultural unity!

2 responses »

  1. mooselicker says:

    I never realized Muslims were cut. Could this explain 9/11? No. Not it can’t.

    I think it depends where you live. Most girls probably prefer it to be cut in North America. I also think that if a foreign girl came here they’d be excited to see a cut one. Nobody gets excited about foreskin.

You have nothing at stake here. Why not insult me?

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