My grandpa used to love calling hair “salt-and-pepper” hair. He would say: Each day that goes by — a little more salt, a little less pepper.
That’s why he dyed it, which I always thought was lame.
Jon Stewart, on the other hand, is a proud non-hair-dyer. He’s got courage, that Jew. What Jew doesn’t, really? You have to be courageous just to wake up in the morning and say: most of the people in the world hate me and my ilk for no valid reason. Besides the money issue. As in, their disproportionate possessing of it.
But see what’s funny about that is that no other group has their money-possession being so closely monitored and commented on. Like Hispanics. I bet they have a lot of money as a people. Less per person, yes. Maybe they’re a bad example.
How about the Germans? They have a whole lot of money. We don’t give them a hard time about it. It’s because we’re all still just slightly afraid of them. The last time we took away their money…well, we all know what happened there.
I think what non-Jews don’t like is that the Jews seem to know a few secrets about life that the rest of us haven’t caught on to. I’m not being stereotypical here. After all, I do know my fair share of loser, clueless Jews. Generally speaking, though, there is a suspicion that a higher percentage of Jews have their shit together. Israel has the lowest per capita rates of cluelessness worldwide. Fact.
So why is that a bad thing?
Personally, I have always surrounded myself with Jews. A plush, hairy blanket of decisive, dogged Jews who are constantly reminding me of all the ways that my gentile-ness is fucking me over.
Which brings me to Jon Stewart’s Hair.
It is so smart. It’s a helmet of wit and wisdom. Probably if he dyed it, his comebacks would be a little less sharp.
The more salt that gets into that hair, the more Jon Stewart says things like: “This is my show. I can say whatever the fuck I want!”
Just the other night he was using all of that amazing humor and mock self-deprecation to tear Lou Dobbs a new asshole and put that denture-munching nincompoop in his place.
But without all the salt, it couldn’t have been done. Lou wouldn’t have stood for it.
He would’ve shoved a bagel in Jon Stewart’s mouth and told him to stop encouraging the outsourcing of American jobs.
I’m willing to make a deal with Lou Dobbs. If he outsources himself to Chile to go work as a miner, I’ll stop plotting ways to get him to spit out his dentures on live television.
Enough about Lou Dobbs. This is about Jon Stewart’s glorious Salt n Pepa noggin-top.
It’s clear that Jonny’s makeup people have decided to show his age. Besides letting the hair do its whitening, they seem to be okay with setting his wrinkles free.
See, this is why we now trust his satire more.
Like when someone recently asked me where I get my news from. Without hesitating I said: “The Daily Show.”
Honestly. That hair has me mesmerized. That hair had me at hello.
As far as that hair is concerned, I’m waiting at the station with my bags packed. Where do you want us to go, hair? I’ll follow you anywhere.
Just please don’t let me down.
Take it from a Unibrow who has had his own struggles with self-acceptance:
With great hair, comes great responsibility.