Pregnant porn star: like a Porsche with a broken gas pedal.

Before Jenna Jameson started having sex for money, she was a budding high school volleybal star. (Maybe)

Which is funny because I wonder if she got to keep her volleyball knee pads when she transitioned to all that fellatio. I imagine that in between takes, when they were blocking for shots and she was fellating off-camera, she started to become concerned about developing callouses on her knees. Very unattractive.

At least, that’s what I presume. Because you know how accountants become better accountants by doing a lot of accounting? And astronauts become better astronauts by doing a lot of astronauting?

Well that’s the same thing that I guess happens with porn stars. Some people cling to the notion that porn stars have sex like normal people when they’re not getting paid to do it on camera. Those people aren’t thinking this through.

Because in order to have good sex on-camera, you have to practice sex a lot off-camera. There are just no short cuts in this world. We know this.

So any porn star who wants to hit the big time is clearly a frequent private-sex-haver. I wonder if they ever just get tired of all that sex. Like what do they think about?

I know no one is accusing porn stars of having the most lively minds on the planet, but still. I would go crazy having to have so much sex. It would get so boring. I’d have to listen to an audiotape or something.

And just to be clear, I’m not one of those people who hasn’t “done it right” yet. I’ve done it plenty right.

I’ve done it plenty wrong, too, but who hasn’t? That’s what I’m saying. Even porn stars phone it in sometimes.

I bet the poor souls who date them and form love relationships with them bear the brunt of this. I would hate to be in a relationship with a porn star and wake up one morning and just have mahjong sex with her.

It would make me so depressed. I’d be like: “Baby, remember when you used to blow my mind? Now you’re pregnant. And I feel like my tip is bumping up against the fetus.”

I know this is an irrational fear. Sex with a woman while she’s pregnant is okay. But it’s weird, right? A small voice in the guy’s mind won’t let him forget what’s currently going on inside this woman.

That’s why a lot of people end up resenting their fathers.

“Dad, you were poking me in the malformed skull when I was just a fetus. How. Could. You?”

A twitter account I follow, @ActivismTips, just tweeted that 82% of women who work in the porn industry were abused as children. God, I hate @ActivismTips. I really should delete them from my stream. Just when my day was going well and I was getting some traction on this rambling crap article about Jenna Jameson’s knees, @ActivismTips alerts me to the fact that I’m basically being a gigantic douche.

So I guess what I’m saying is that I hope, now, Jenna Jameson’s knees are alright. No more pads. No more worn shag carpet.

Put some Aveeno on those caps, baby.

Because I’ve come to realize that being good at sex on camera is about as glamorous as being good at reading in private.

At the end of the day, no one is really looking at you and no one really cares.

** In a weird way, I think this was a really appropriate Valentine’s Day post. It’s about love, isn’t it? Actually, I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day because, in Arizona, today is the anniversary of our statehood. So, for me and all the other people who are currently in shit-I-miss-my-ex-why-did-I-fuck-that-up mode, we will be singing Arizona’s praises tonight. I know. It’s a short list of praises. Luckily, I’m a stud at making shit up.

You have nothing at stake here. Why not insult me?

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