Glendale, Arizona resident Brett Bucks remarked Friday that he no longer has patience for friends who insist on “conversing” with him regularly.
“Look, it’s pretty simple. I’d rather run things through status updates. When I’m talking face-to-face with a friend I have to maintain eye contact, respond to what they’re saying in real-time, do things with them and, in general, avoid just sort of walking off in the direction of a pretty flower or some other friend I find more interesting. I mean, what’s up with that?”
Bucks’ wife, Tammy adds: “Through the power of the internet, Brett and I can sit safely at home, carefully planning our interactions with those people we call friends. Do I want to be funny or sincere in this interaction? Do I want to send this person birthday wishes or perhaps a cherry tree for their farm? Also, there’s the constant effort that goes into sorting and posting photos of us doing things without our friends, but which we want them to know we were doing anyway.”
“Pretty soon,” adds Bucks, “I’m also going to have to start passive aggressively expressing my dissatisfaction with my job and with my marriage. What am I supposed to do? Simply sit down with my wife and ‘talk it out’ for what could amount to a few hours of my undivided attention? No thanks. I’d rather change my relationship status to “It’s Complicated” and post a few pictures of this new houseboat I bought in Tampa.”
Tammy, nodding vigorously at her husband’s confessions, adds: “Personally, I’m just hoping I can fix what’s broken inside of me by getting enough tokens in Castleville to upgrade my cottage, hopefully attracting a handsome prince who I know will treat my avatar right. I deserve that much.”