Brett Bucks, in the sweet bosom of solitude, planning his Facebook status updates for the week ahead

Glendale, Arizona resident Brett Bucks remarked Friday that he no longer has patience for friends who insist on “conversing” with him regularly.

“Look, it’s pretty simple. I’d rather run things through status updates. When I’m talking face-to-face with a friend I have to maintain eye contact, respond to what they’re saying in real-time, do things with them and, in general, avoid just sort of walking off in the direction of a pretty flower or some other friend I find more interesting. I mean, what’s up with that?”

Bucks’ wife, Tammy adds: “Through the power of the internet, Brett and I can sit safely at home, carefully planning our interactions with those people we call friends. Do I want to be funny or sincere in this interaction? Do I want to send this person birthday wishes or perhaps a cherry tree for their farm? Also, there’s the constant effort that goes into sorting and posting photos of us doing things without our friends, but which we want them to know we were doing anyway.”

“Pretty soon,” adds Bucks, “I’m also going to have to start passive aggressively expressing my dissatisfaction with my job and with my marriage. What am I supposed to do? Simply sit down with my wife and ‘talk it out’ for what could amount to a few hours of my undivided attention? No thanks. I’d rather change my relationship status to “It’s Complicated” and post a few pictures of this new houseboat I bought in Tampa.”

Tammy, nodding vigorously at her husband’s confessions, adds: “Personally, I’m just hoping I can fix what’s broken inside of me by getting enough tokens in Castleville to upgrade my cottage, hopefully attracting a handsome prince who I know will treat my avatar right. I deserve that much.”

3 responses »

  1. Anonymous says:

    I’m not exactly a social butterfly but I work with the public often, I’ve never had a cell phone. Originally I started my blog as a storage place for when my computer crashes, but I do some public speaking and teaching. Not much, but enough so that I don’t want those people calling me. I think I have a facebook I can’t remember. I think I had to have one for something.
    Still, if I didn’t need to speak face to face with anybody, my therapist would be out a lot of money. It would be so much easier to say “No” when my wife asks for money or my son asks for the car.
    I definitely would not want to talk to a twit like Brett Bucks. I wouldn’t talk to anyone named Brett Bucks.

    • Is it the name? Is that what’s getting you? We should change his name. What would you suggest as a better name? Maybe something that makes him even a tad likeable…Featherwind Mancuso, perhaps?

    • I think I have to have a Facebook account for some reason too. after 500 status updates, a few hundred friends and countless comments on hilariously captioned cat photos, I’m still not sure what that reason is.

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