Biologists at the University of Texas-Austin presented results of a decades-long study Tuesday, confirming that life is, in fact, a bowl of cherries.
“Initially, we thought this can’t be possible. Look around you. There’s cars, biscuits, chairs, livestock, fleece, rivers…more things in life than we can possibly even name,” says lead researcher Prof. Tom Gabriel. “Surely life can’t, at the end of the day, just be one thing.”
“And cherries at that!” he added, throwing up his hands in exasperation.
“We thought it might be a box of chocolates. Full of ups and downs. A game of give and take. A carnival, even. But no, after rigorous testing of all these hypotheses, it’s confirmed. Cherries it is.”
Dean Mike Kazmier, head of the UT-Austin College of Arts & Sciences, supports the findings: “There will be many people who will hold up things like babies and paychecks, saying, perhaps: ‘Life is love.’ ‘Life is work.’ I fully understand their misgivings. But the research has answered all these rebuttals with a resounding no. It’s cherries.”
“What many don’t understand is that, here on earth, we see variation and complexity in everything. But you need to comprehend astrophysics to fully answer this question,” added Prof. Gabriel.
Dr. Lars Simzick, of the Bonn Institute, provides the final analysis: “When viewed from deep space and through the lens of infinite time, all galaxies appear to be fine balls of dimly glowing crimson. The universe, we argue in this paper, is actually bowl-shaped, not infinitely expanding in every direction as was previously thought. Hence: Bowl of Cherries. It’s all very literal.”
In encouraging people to accept this cherry-ness of life, Dean Kazmier ends on a hopeful note. “Remember: some sweet, some sour, watch out for pits and don’t eat more than you can stomach. And always rinse out the bowl when you’re done. Non-metaphorically speaking, of course.”