This man cannot sweat.

Recently, I had the good fortune of being present at a baptism where the godfather asked me, during the celebration, to stand up and say a few words on his behalf in my best Don Corleone impression. I pulled out some of the classic stuff: “Never go against the family.”

Or “Maybe one day you can do a favor for me.”

The audience liked it. They were easily pleased and already drunk, I think.

Doing a good Godfather impression is really not that big of a deal nowadays. Of all the impersonations out there, the Godfather is probably the most ubiquitous besides Elvis. So I got to thinking about how much funnier it would be if you put the Godfather in situations he didn’t normally belong.

The Godfather at the neighborhood pool.

“These floaties you want I should pop them?”

The Godfather takes his grandkids to the ice rink.

“I would like to sharpen my own skate blades, please.”

The Godfather working his second job at Dunkin Donuts.

“I gonna give 20 munchkins he can’t refuse.”

The Godfather walks into a gay bar:

“Well, hello Mr. Man in the fancy suit and the red rose. Is that for me?”

No answer.

“So. What can I do you for?”

[The Godfather leans on the bar].

“Come here. I wanna talk ta you.”

“Oooh, up close and personal. I like it.”

[Flaming bartender leans in].

“Are you, uh. Are you uh a one of those guys who doesn’t need to go to prison ‘fore he takes it in the ass?”

Ohhhhh. Bam. The Godfather cuts to the chase!

See the thing about The Godfather — about being that kinda pimpah’s pimp — is that you are never thrown off by any situation in which you find yourself. You are one of those rare people whose very presence dictates the temperature of a room.

The Godfather could be hangin’ qwith Idi Amin and Lady Gaga and he’d roll how he wanted to roll. He’d be like:

“Hey Idi how do people taste? I never had a reason to try one myself. Nothing beats a good filet mignon.”

Or he’d be like: “Gaga, is there something the Godfather can do for you?”

Gaga would at first say no. But then she would realize that owing the Godfather a favor was a privilege. The threat of having the Godfather be disappointed in you and breaking your limbs was better than the threat of him not having anything to do with you at all.

The Unibrow should remind you of The Godfather.

He only likes to DO. Even if he’s wrecking shop and causing calamity, he still believes that’s a better use of his time than finding out contemplating Voltair or getting a pHD in what-the-fuck-ever.

So today, if you’re walking around letting the temperature of a room set your mood, remember that your own inner (or maybe outer) Unibrow has a different agenda.

The Godfather says:

“Give me one good Unibrow, and I’ll bring this city to its knees!”

You have nothing at stake here. Why not insult me?

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